Jokes received by text......

All I ask is keep it clean! **snigger!**

1. I was sucking off my new Thai bride last night when I thought "hang on a god damn minute!"

2. My mate walks in to Waterstones and asks "Do you have the self help book for blokes with a really small penis?" and the assistant replies "I don't think it's in yet!" he replies "Yup, thats the one!"

Having sex by using force doesnt make me a rapist...

i prefer the term Jedi

A Catholic saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margerine. His Asian neighbour saw it and said "I can't believe it's not Buddhe!"

If an American man is a CIA agent, a Russian man is a KGB agent and an English man is a MI6 agent. What the hell does that make an Indian man?...News agent.

I think I meesed up my blind date last night. During the meal she said "What's your pet hate?" I said "Well, it doesn't like things shoved up its arse"

A man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks "Hows the second hand fanny?" The man replies "It's great thanks, after the first 3 inches it's brand new!"

Walkers are to add a new flavour of crisps to their range. "Spunk" flavour. They will be marketed as "Diet Crisps" as 97.8% of women will spit them back out!

I paid £3000 for my wife to have a boob job, she was happy. I paid £4000 for her to have a nose job, she was delighted. I treat myself to a £30 blowjob, she goes f*cking apesh*t!

I don't think the missus found it as funny as I did when I replaced one of her tampons with a party popper.

My wife keeps complaining that I wear socks when we have sex.
I suppose a condom would be better.

Some **** in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha."
I replied, "20 x 0 = 0."

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.
I won!
No one's a match for me and my kettle.

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.
That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."


I met this bloke in the pub the other night. Confident, he challenged me to a game of pool. "If you beat me" he said, "I'll let you shag either my wife, or my daughter, your choice".
"**** off, dad" I said. "Can't we just play for a pint?"

iv spent the last 2 days floating in yoghurt.

i like to stay in shape.

my mum and dad were called pearl and dean...
but we used to call them ma and pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa paaaaa

whats the difference between "no no no" and "mmm mmm mmm"

duct tape !

my missus doesnt like my new aftershave "chloroform"
apparently it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse!

statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape


my girlfriends a porn star... she is going to be sooo pissed when she finds out

A girl in a bar said to me... " I wouldnt shag you if you were the last person alive"

I replied " who would be around to stop me?"

A woman in labour is shouting all the usual ****... "Get this out of me", "Give me the drugs"

she turns to her boyfriend and says... "You did this to me you ****er"

He casually replies... "If you remember, i wanted to stick it up your arse but you said"


"**** off it'll be too painful"